I think I'm depressed...

I don't think it, I sort of already know I am. I have been for some time, how long exactly, I'm not sure about but I know it precedes me getting laid off in December.

Thinking about it a little, it actually started around the time my children were being molested by a teenager boy that was staying in our home, during the summer of 07, but I didn't know what was happening then. And I didn't find out about it until September 07, when CPS visited my home to tell me that the teenage boy was allegedly "touching the children inappropriately". It was more to it than that, seeing as how it merited a visit to a hospital in order to determine that my girls had been molested, another situation I was unaware of that had occurred during a very timely visit to their father's home in Sacramento. Although my daughters never ever confirmed this with me (and have actually denied this), shortly thereafter, my son came forward and admitted to being abused by the teenager as well. Next thing you know, I no longer have legal or physical custody of my girls, and I only get to see them every other weekend for 2 hours, with supervised visitation.

Yep, that's definitely when my depression began. And I haven't been able to shake it. I suppose if I had been able to, I couldn't rightly call it depression. And as it typically does, it affected everything. Everything. Couldn't sleep, couldn't concentrate, couldn't remember, couldn't stop crying at times, didn't want to do anything anymore, cared about nothing. But I did what I had to do, and faked, phonied, and pretended my way all the way through with my employers and co-workers till December 09, but the plaster had been cracking well before then. I could honestly say that while I was working, I was at least 3/4 functional, and I don't know how I made it through that awful stressful job all the way to December 09. But after I was laid off, the show was over, it was curtains. I cut myself off from everyone I knew except family. I could finally be real with myself and everyone around me and sleep as long as I wanted. That release was like a Pandora's Box and I held nothing back. Every emotion I felt, I expressed, especially anger. Everything started to rattle me, but I figured it was just me letting loose some repressed anger from the last 3 years at that awful job. But I'm still angry.

Still depressed and quite angry, I managed to scrounge up some enthusiasm at the prospect of being able to start a home internet business since I never had time to before, but right away, I knew this wouldn't be a cake walk. I just couldn't seem to gain much ground. I mean, for one thing, the sheer amount of information out there in online marketing is ridiculous. It's so overwhelming, at one point, I thought I might have ADD (and it's still a possibility) just trying to get through all the information and learn a new trade. But everyday that passed, the struggle deepened. Lately, I've just been dragging my feet, some days just logging on to my computer and just staring at it before I get up and walk away from it for the rest of the day. I knew this was self defeating, but I just couldn't seem to do anything else, which made me feel even worse. I haven't succumbed to defeat, but I'm at a standstill. And just thinking about how much more I have to learn, to do, to pay - it's exhausting to even think about.

How do you learn a new trade, let alone start a business, when you feel worthless, hopeless, powerless, lonely, and so fighting angry with yourself that everything you do seems pointless? How long before I start seriously thinking about suicide? That was the question I finally asked myself this morning after I decided I didn't want to let another month go by feeling this way. I'd figured I was depressed and had been for a long time, so I spent some time researching anything I could find on depression, anxiety, and other mental disorders, and lucked up on a couple of sites that earned my trust immediately, one of which pointed me in the direction of FREE help, because there's nothing like being broke and mentally disturbed y'all. It's not exactly free, but I'm assured that the center will have mercy on my wallet. The other site was http://www.freedomfromfear.org. I read through some of the forum posts, and finally, for the first time in a long time, felt some relief.

In case anyone is wondering, I am the last to seek help. My son began therapy for a year immediately following his revelation, and according to their father, my girls have also undergone counseling of some sort, but I don't really believe that.